Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
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me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Meanwhile in Canada…
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…