no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
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Still laughing at this stupid meme
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
🤔😂😂
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.