So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
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When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.