so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
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*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan