date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
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Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
adding to the discourse
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.