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Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Breaking news:
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?