From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
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*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”