Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
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mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting