“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
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I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
What do you hear?
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”