[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
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Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin