Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
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6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.