It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
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I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports