“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
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I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
doing some research
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Employees must applaud the planets.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.