Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
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[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on