you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
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You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
you will never know the true number of layers
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.