Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
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Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing