Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
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Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
True?
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
I have many caverns
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe