My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
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My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Someone just threatened to call me later
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.