My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
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every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
the three branches of government
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
wtf management?!
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.