І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
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Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
the three genders
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.