*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
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interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Always a metermaid never a meter
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*