A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
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If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.