[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
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me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
This why you should mind your business
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.