I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
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“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
this will hang in the louvre one day
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet