My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
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That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
greetings!
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!