*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
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Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”