Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
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for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Peace was never an option
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.