I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
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“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
two people or more is called a problem
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Dishonest mechanic?
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*