Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
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ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Cinematography is my passion
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”