*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
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Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus