*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
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CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.