[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
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Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.