Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
You Might Also Like
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Trumpy Cat
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.