(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
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4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
sistine chapel
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.