[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
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Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Denise please return my vape pen
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever