Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
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My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
tourist season
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.