me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
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Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Doctors texting each other.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog