[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
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Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
My brain is a bad influence on me
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”