Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
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Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
do what now??
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.