I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
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Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
If you know, you know
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.