Running your mouth is not cardio.
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If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Don’t we all.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Double negatives are never not confusing.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.