Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
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I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.