An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
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I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
my first day as a raccoon
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Only a mother’s love …
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.