Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
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Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Trying
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Livid.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.