You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
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trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower