Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
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St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.