me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
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If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*