Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
You Might Also Like
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.