“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
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Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
a god among men
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.