“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
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If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”